Thursday, June 18, 2009

Not quite ready.... write this. However, I think it will be easier if I just get it over with, so we can move on and continue.

Yesterday the four of us went to my doctors appointment for my 14 week check and to listen to the baby's heartbeat. When we arrived the doctor asked how I was doing and I said, "Pretty good." Mike piped up and said, "No she's not. She's not doing good." (or something close to that). Then I just clarified that I was nervous and all I wanted to hear was the heartbeat (they were unable to find it at my 10 week, 2 day appointment. However, that isn't necessarily unusual.)

I've had this feeling throughout my pregnancy that something wasn't right. And you know how mama's just know these things. So, when the doctor tried to listen for the heartbeat he still couldn't find it. He ended up scheduling me for an ultrasound that same day & within a short amount of time.

Once we were in the room the nurse/technician asked if I wanted the screen turned away and, of course, I refused. I wanted to see what she saw. Good or bad. As I was looking at the screen I knew what I was seeing, but it just wasn't registering in my head. I knew where a baby should be.

When the nurse/tech did finally speak she explained what she was looking at and where there should be a baby there wasn't. It was just empty. My uterus was measuring 10 weeks when it should be measuring 14 weeks and where a baby should have been was just emptiness. In technical terms it is called an anembryonic pregnancy or blighted ovum. Just click the link for a technical explanation.

At that moment I felt a huge range of emotions. From sadness to confirmation. I had prepared myself for the worst while hoping and praying for the best. This was the last thing I wanted to hear, but knew it was more than likely.

I felt Mike's hand on my shoulder and could only imagine what he was feeling. He was expecting to hear good news and instead heard something completely opposite. Later on I realized he probably took the news a bit harder that I did. He had been so excited about this baby!

The one thing we know is this happened for a reason. God is gracious and merciful. He doesn't give us more than we can handle. We don't know why He allowed this, but we know there is a reason. We can take comfort in knowing that.

It's still devastating no matter what stage of pregnancy you are in. Mike and I were both very happy, excited and looking forward to seeing how things would change for us.

So, for now I'll need to go in for a D & C to make sure everything is "clean" (again, check the link if you dare. It will give you a better idea of what it is. I don't feel like going into technical details.) If there were a baby still inside me that had passed I would not consent to a D & C. However, my uterus is empty and this is why I agreed. After the D & C we'll need to wait until I have one, normal cycle before we can try again. Who knows? Next time we find out we're having twins!!! Wouldn't that be a blessing. Just don't expect to be told until we hear a heartbeat (or two) and are past the 12-14 week mark!

So, sadly we are no longer pregnant. We are doing ok for the most part. It was really hard yesterday afternoon since we hadn't quite grasped it all. I know I'm doing a little better today, but if someone says "I'm sorry" or I have to explain anything I know I'll cry. Just the normal grieving process.

If you would just keep us in your prayers we would truly appreciate it. We will be telling Afton and Caleb tonight. Then we'll tell Miya on Saturday. Please pray for Mike and I to have the right words. The kids were so excited and we want to be able to tell them in a way that is gentle, yet easy to understand. Plus, we want them to hear it from us instead of from someone else.

I'll leave you with lyrics from Shane & Shane "Your Grace is Sufficient for Me"

Your grace is sufficient for me
Your strength is made perfect
When I am weak
And all that I cling to
I lay at Your feet
Your grace is sufficient for me


Stuce said...

Steph, I'm so very very sorry. There aren't words good enough for times like this. I'm so glad you are leaning on the Savior to bring you through it..

I hope you are overwhelmed with His love during this process of grief, and I look forward to hear the joyous news of when you get pregnant again. Love to you, my strong friend- Susanna XOXOXO

Mrs. B. said...

Oh Steph...I cannot imagine. Not even a little bit.
I'll be praying for you, your husband and the little ones. Health and healing in every aspect.

Mommy B said...

My dear, I am so sorry, my heart breaks for you.