Exactly one week

Funny how things can change in one week.

One week ago we went into our doctors office to hear our baby's heartbeat...but didn't.

One week ago we had an ultrasound & found out we did not have a baby.

One week ago we were just dealing with the sadness of losing the baby we were so excited for.

One week later we were back at the doctors office for the D&C.

One week later we left our doctors office knowing we would be able to try for another baby within 2 months.

One week later the healing has begun.

One week later God is still sovereign and we trust Him completely with every step and phase of our life.

One week later we still have 3 beautiful children that God has so wonderfully blessed us with.

One week.....

It's time for Mike & I to learn how to play the piano

Verses for today

Psalm 30:11 & 12
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Ecclesiastes 3:1a & 4
For everything there is a season, A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.

I've been thinking a lot about God's will, as you can probably imagine. Not in a questioning way. I'm not asking God "why?" as that is not my place to ask this. I simply accept His will knowing there was/is a reason this little baby was not meant to make an appearance on this earth.

I guess I've just been thinking about the future and what He has in store for us. A ton if thoughts run through my head and I'm so glad I don't know the future. That would be too much pressure. There is such peace in just resting in God's will and not worrying about what will come next.

I want to be prepared spiritually to take on whatever comes our way. So far Mike and I have been so blessed by being able to completely trust in His will. We are so at peace and so excited about what is to come. You just never know.

So, while we are sad and we mourn the little baby that we never got to meet, we also know God's plan is far greater than our measly, human plan.

It's also a comfort to know that mourning is a natural part of life. God knows this better than anyone of us. Can you imagine how He felt when He sent His only Son to die on the cross for a bunch of sinners who didn't even appreciate or accept Him? He did it anyway because He loved us and wanted us to be able to go to heaven.

For this I am so thankful!

Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts. We truly appreciate it all!

Not quite ready....

...to write this. However, I think it will be easier if I just get it over with, so we can move on and continue.

Yesterday the four of us went to my doctors appointment for my 14 week check and to listen to the baby's heartbeat. When we arrived the doctor asked how I was doing and I said, "Pretty good." Mike piped up and said, "No she's not. She's not doing good." (or something close to that). Then I just clarified that I was nervous and all I wanted to hear was the heartbeat (they were unable to find it at my 10 week, 2 day appointment. However, that isn't necessarily unusual.)

I've had this feeling throughout my pregnancy that something wasn't right. And you know how mama's just know these things. So, when the doctor tried to listen for the heartbeat he still couldn't find it. He ended up scheduling me for an ultrasound that same day & within a short amount of time.

Once we were in the room the nurse/technician asked if I wanted the screen turned away and, of course, I refused. I wanted to see what she saw. Good or bad. As I was looking at the screen I knew what I was seeing, but it just wasn't registering in my head. I knew where a baby should be.

When the nurse/tech did finally speak she explained what she was looking at and where there should be a baby there wasn't. It was just empty. My uterus was measuring 10 weeks when it should be measuring 14 weeks and where a baby should have been was just emptiness. In technical terms it is called an anembryonic pregnancy or blighted ovum. Just click the link for a technical explanation.

At that moment I felt a huge range of emotions. From sadness to confirmation. I had prepared myself for the worst while hoping and praying for the best. This was the last thing I wanted to hear, but knew it was more than likely.

I felt Mike's hand on my shoulder and could only imagine what he was feeling. He was expecting to hear good news and instead heard something completely opposite. Later on I realized he probably took the news a bit harder that I did. He had been so excited about this baby!

The one thing we know is this happened for a reason. God is gracious and merciful. He doesn't give us more than we can handle. We don't know why He allowed this, but we know there is a reason. We can take comfort in knowing that.

It's still devastating no matter what stage of pregnancy you are in. Mike and I were both very happy, excited and looking forward to seeing how things would change for us.

So, for now I'll need to go in for a D & C to make sure everything is "clean" (again, check the link if you dare. It will give you a better idea of what it is. I don't feel like going into technical details.) If there were a baby still inside me that had passed I would not consent to a D & C. However, my uterus is empty and this is why I agreed. After the D & C we'll need to wait until I have one, normal cycle before we can try again. Who knows? Next time we find out we're having twins!!! Wouldn't that be a blessing. Just don't expect to be told until we hear a heartbeat (or two) and are past the 12-14 week mark!

So, sadly we are no longer pregnant. We are doing ok for the most part. It was really hard yesterday afternoon since we hadn't quite grasped it all. I know I'm doing a little better today, but if someone says "I'm sorry" or I have to explain anything I know I'll cry. Just the normal grieving process.

If you would just keep us in your prayers we would truly appreciate it. We will be telling Afton and Caleb tonight. Then we'll tell Miya on Saturday. Please pray for Mike and I to have the right words. The kids were so excited and we want to be able to tell them in a way that is gentle, yet easy to understand. Plus, we want them to hear it from us instead of from someone else.

I'll leave you with lyrics from Shane & Shane "Your Grace is Sufficient for Me"

Your grace is sufficient for me
Your strength is made perfect
When I am weak
And all that I cling to
I lay at Your feet
Your grace is sufficient for me

Praise

We are so blessed to announce that Mike received a call yesterday evening and he will be returning to work!!!

God is so amazing in providing for us while he was out of work. We were not worried for one minute of that time and that is a blessing in itself! However, that's exactly what God wants from us. To be totally dependent on Him knowing He will provide for our every need. We cannot rely on ourselves and our own actions. While we must do our part our trust cannot with us, but in God and God alone!

What an awesome period of time for us to be reminded of that. Praise God!

Mike was able to spend some time with us that he otherwise would not have had! While the first week was a bit of an adjustment it's kind of sad knowing he'll be going back to work so soon. I have to say I wouldn't mind having him here for another month or so!

So, I just wanted to share how God has provided for our family and how we were reminded to trust & be faithful with what we have.

God is awesome!

Homemade Mayonnaise

Yesterday we were going through a few things we would need at the grocery store and hubby mentioned we were out of mayo. I wrote it down on the list, but then remembered I had a recipe to make my own!

So, I decided to whip up a batch to save a few dollars! Plus, I love knowing exactly what is in my food!

Here is the recipe:

Homemade Mayonnaise (Yield: 2 cups)

1 egg
1 tsp salt
1 tsp sugar
1 teaspoon ground mustard
1/2 teaspoon paprika (I omitted this)
3 Tbs vinegar or lemon juice
1 1/2 cups vegetable oil (I used canola)

Put egg, salt, sugar, mustard, paprika & vinegar in blender. Cover & blend for a few seconds. With blender still running, add the oil very slowly. Blend until thick and smooth.

Note: you can substitute pasteurized egg substitute for raw egg for pregnant women or elderly persons.

Personal notes: This recipe turned out really well. It was a little tangy, so I think I'll play around with the vinegar and sugar. Next time I will use 2 tablespoons vinegar and add an extra teaspoon of sugar.

Hubby is pretty specific about his mayo and how his food tastes and he approved this, so it was success. No more buying mayo for me!!!

Where do I start?

It seems that so much time has passed since I did a real update as to what is going on it our family! I almost don't know where to start.

I guess I'll start with a pregnancy update. Those are always fun & it means I have something to write about for at least 27 or 28 weeks! Unfortunately, it's not really that exciting yet. Meaning I have no belly pictures since the only belly I have is leftover from Caleb. Trust me, you don't want to see that!!

At least I am out of the 1st trimester. As of Wednesday, June 10th I was officially 13 weeks!!! So exciting. I have another doctors appointment coming up on the 17th and hopefully we'll be able to hear the heartbeat! We weren't able to the last time since I was a little over 10 weeks and the baby was too tiny. Speaking of tiny, the baby is about 2 1/2 inches long right now! To get a visual I pulled out a measuring tape! It was so cool to see the actual size in real life! Then we showed the kiddos how big there baby brother/sister is!

Speaking of boy or girl, we will be finding out what we're having. We couldn't wait to find out to save our life!! We're much too excited!!!

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In other news, we had a bit of a shocker last week. Thursday to be exact. Mike called me from his work cell phone around 3pm. That was a bit odd, but usually there's a pretty good reason. He ended up asking me if I would mind if he came home a little late that evening. I immediately thought he had scored some awesome tickets to some game in Boston. However, that was not the case. Instead he needed to see about getting work since he had just been laid off!!!

My first words were, "Are you for real?!?!"

I think I had about 5 seconds of panic and then it was like a peace just washed over me and I knew things would be ok. As uncertain as our immediate future was I knew God had everything under control (as He usually does....lol). Our job was to be faithful with what we had, diligent in providing for our family, and trusting Him to provide for us.

All that to say I was still shocked. It turns out the layoff is only temporary. They allowed Mike to keep his work cell phone so that is a good sign. The only other concern we had was the insurance. Seeing as I'm pregnant we knew we would need it eventually! So, after a few days of going back and forth Mike found out they will cover his/our insurance throughout his layoff! What a blessing! See how amazing God is to provide for us! At least that is one thing we don't have to think about! I can still go to the doctors and not worry about having to postpone or skip a few!

Right now he will be collecting unemployment while still looking for other employment. We both know this layoff could be God's way of saying something needs to or will be changing. We're just praying God will make His will known to us in an obvious way. It's exciting to see where God will lead us and what changes may come about now that Mike isn't employed full time. We have many hopes and prayers, but are waiting for God to open the doors for us.

So, you can be praying for wisdom for us during this time. We're not nervous or scared. We know God will provide for us as it says in Philippians. We're just praying for wisdom in all of the decisions we know we'll need to be making. We have some pretty big things happening right now and your prayers are coveted!!!

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Before Mike was laid off we made a trip or two to a local ice cream place. They have the most delicious homemade ice cream and homemade waffle cones! They are simply to die for. The kids love going there for obvious reasons, but also because they have goats, which they love to pat and feed grass to. However, the goats are not easily fooled because they know that kids bring ice cream. So, Afton was a little miffed because they wouldn't take the grass from her hands!
I don't think she thought feeding the goats was a good idea after one slimed her.

See?

(She's trying to wipe the slime off in the grass!!)

Anyway, they still ask to go there so I don't think it bothered her that much!

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We've had some absolutely gorgeous days recently and on one of them I took the kiddos to the local parkway to ride their bikes and eat lunch. It was so pretty and the sun was shining! I'm so glad I brought my camera!!

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Now that Mike is home a lot more he's been taking the kiddos out and about while I work. It's been nice for everyone seeing as I don't have to referee kids while I'm answering phones, plus the kids get out instead of having to play with each other (or alone if they are fighting).

One of the days they went out for a ride and Mike decided to head to the beach. From what I hear the kids had a great time. However, Caleb met up with a wave, face first. He walked in the door and said, "I'm salty!"


We promptly showered that boy!

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Last, but not least....

Afton has another tooth that is ready to come out. However, she is a bit apprehensive about letting us pull it! She insists Grampa has to do it with fishing line! We were able to convince her to let us try, but the tooth is being a bit stubborn (and so was Afton!). Mike tried a few times then I tried. After 2 unsuccessful pulls I stopped knowing that Afton wasn't ready!


Who knows, maybe it will fall out when she is eating ice cream just like the last time!

Very timely quote

While checking out some blogs I came across One Day At A Time and found this quote:

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

What a beautiful way to describe this season of our life.

I'll have to go into more detail later on about what has been going on, but for now this was a great reminder that God never promised the path and walk would be easy. However, He does promise to walk with us, guide us and be with us every step of the way. We just need to put our complete trust in Him knowing that He has a plan. We may not know the outcome or end our our "story". We just need to live our lives for Him in the chapter we are in.

Faithfully.

Day by day.