Broken

To say that I've felt "broken" this past week is an understatement. I've felt broken, as if all the pieces have been scattered all over the floor and I can't reach them to put them back together. I've been struggling with why I've felt this way. I know there are areas in my life that need revamping. I need to sit down, refocus, and recommit my wants, needs and desires. I've been go, go, go lately that I started to run on auto pilot. Unfortunately, I need fuel to keep running and I ran out of fuel.

Alright, that's enough analogies, but that's exactly how I felt. I've been tired, feeling sick, irritated, grumpy and unhappy. Truthfully. All you moms know what happens when you feel like that, right? You don't have as much patience for your children and family as you should.

Amazingly, I've been reading these short devotionals from Dr Stanley and this week is about brokeness. This was yesterdays.....

Brokenness: The Principle
John 12:24-25

Brokenness hurts, and most of us would rather live without any seasons of pain. Yet during such times, the Lord often does His greatest work in our lives, reshaping and realigning us for His divine purposes.

Jesus beautifully explains the principle of brokenness in John 12:24-25, where He compares our life to a single grain of wheat. If we hold a kernel in our hands, nothing will happen. If we carefully place it in a jar or on a shelf for safekeeping, it will just sit there indefinitely. In its safety, the grain will essentially be useless.

However, if that kernel is placed in the soil where its protective layer is stripped away, something amazing happens. Before long, a little sprout will emerge from the earth and start to grow into something different, useful, and beautiful. Moreover, that new stalk will produce more grains that can be planted, and the stalks they produce will do the same. It's an amazing cycle of life, wherein a single kernel can lead to countless stalks of wheat. But it has to start with the brokenness of one grain.

Jesus did not just speak this example; He lived it. By sacrificing Himself, He was broken and placed in the ground. From that brokenness came new life for us all. From that one "grain," countless new believers, each with a new life, have sprung forth.

Are you feeling broken today? If so, remember the principle of the broken grain. God has certainly not abandoned you; instead, He may be leading you into a season of radical new growth.

Hmmm...that wasn't speaking to me, was it? So, after breaking down in tears after reading this I made an effort to try and keep my brokenness in the right perspective. That meant I needed to be leaning on God at all times for my strength.

Then I read todays devotional...

A Life of Becoming
2 Corinthians 4:7-18

Probably the greatest obstacle to understanding God's purpose for brokenness is this: Most believers think of Christianity as something we do. We pray. We read the Bible. We go to church. We sing hymns. We give money. We do and do--and assume that's the Christian life. It's not.

Authentic Christianity is about becoming rather than doing. The life of faith that God designed involves receiving Jesus into our hearts and allowing Him to change our habits, mindset, beliefs, interests, and concerns so we become more and more like Him.

Realizing this will change our perspective on the heartache we must endure. You see, when we recognize that the Christian life is about Jesus' persistent work of "re-creation" in our lives, then the role of brokenness makes more sense. It's the process God uses to strip us of things that have become, or may one day become, an obstacle to our growth. The Lord also uses this tool to address issues we may have declared "off limits" to Him, such as unhealthy behaviors or relationships that we rationalize.

God doesn't want to be Lord of most of your life; He wants to be Lord of all of your life! So He zeroes in on areas of self-will and self-sufficiency to remove everything within us that relies on "self." He uses brokenness to remove those inclinations so that we can live moment by moment, day by day, in full dependence on Him.

Open your heart, and ask God to reveal any selfish strongholds. Let Him break unhealthy behavior patterns.

I had become focused on "doing" and not "becoming". See how easy it is to forget? See how easy it is to think that we're "doing" the right thing, but in reality we're not. We're trying to do all the right things on our own and with our own strength. No wonder we crash and burn so quickly.

Of course, we're never going to have super human strength to do every task every day, but that's good. We need to have strength from God to complete what He's put before us. We need to commit our works to God and let Him direct our paths (Proverbs 16:3).

With all that said, I'm praying for God to reveal things to me that I was blinded to before.

The next thing

From an old English parsonage down by the sea
There came in the twilight a message for me;
Its quaint Saxon legend, deeply engraven,
Hath, as it seems to me, teaching from Heaven.
And on through the hours the quiet words ring,
Like a low inspiration: DO THE NEXT THING.

Many a questioning, many a fear,
Many a doubt, hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment let down from heaven,
Time, opportunity, guidance, are given.
Fear not tomorrows, Child of the King,
Trust them with Jesus. DO THE NEXT THING.

Do it immediately; do it with prayer;
Do it reliantly, casting all care;
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand
Who placed it before thee with earnest command,
Stayed on Omnipotence, safe 'neath His wing,
Leave all resulting. DO THE NEXT THING.

Looking to Jesus, ever serener,
(Working or suffering) be thy demeanor.
In His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
The light of His countenance by thy psalm.
Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing!
Then, as He beckons thee,
DO THE NEXT THING.

(anonymous)

On those days, when you are weary and exhausted. When you feel as if you can't do one more thing...

How comforting to know that we don't have to worry about this afternoon or tomorrow. We just need to take each moment and do what God asks us to do with much prayer and diligence. Whether that be in our jobs, our home, with our children, or our daily tasks that seem so mundane. When we do our work "...heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men." Colossians 3:23, it pleases Him.

When we do have those moments of fear and worry it's clear what we are to do.

Matthew 11:28 "Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

Today, my prayer is that I will remember to be faithful to the task God has called me to do as a wife, mother and keeper of our home. That I would do things cheerfully and with a smile on my face even when I am tired and discouraged. My prayer is that I would call upon Him to provide strength to "do the next thing".

Psalm 121:2 "My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."

Long distance blessings

I just had to share how faithful God is, and how He shows Himself to us. It may be in a particular verse you read, a song you sing, or it could be as simple as a friends email.

Today I was blessed by a simple, but heartfelt email from someone I consider to be a great friend. I'm so thankful God allowed our paths to cross, and, although we've never met in person, that we're able to share in each others lives.

A few days ago I shared a few things that were on my heart, things I had been struggling with, and I asked if she would keep me in prayer. I didn't hear back right away, but that was ok. I knew that she would keep me in prayer and respond to me when time allowed.

This morning I received an email from her and what she wrote brought tears to my eyes!

The verse she included was
Psalm 36:5 "Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."

and one of the last things she wrote was,
"He is always, always faithful to keep his promises to us."

I was then reminded of the song "Word of God Speak" by MercyMe

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

Sometimes God speaks in a "still, small voice", sometimes its through music, and at other times He uses a friend to encourage you in ways you never imagined.

Today I'm thanking God for my long distance friendship with Apple.

Personal reflection & a letter to my husband

If someone had told me 6 years ago that I would be where I am today, I never would have believed them. I would have listened politely, thanked them, maybe chatted a few more minutes and that would have been it. See, I was not living in a manner worthy and pleasing to God. I was living my life the way I wanted to. I wasn't being sensitive to God's leading. I knew what was right and what was wrong, but I chose to do the wrong things. Even in those moments I still felt the Holy Spirit nudging me in the right direction. Why did I choose to ignore it?

Through all of my disobedience God still chose to bless me! How awesome He is to forgive and cast my sins as far as the East is from the West! How loving He is to welcome me back into the fold! How holy and just He would have been to take my life, in my moments of sin and disobedience. I am here by His mercy and divine plan alone! I certainly didn't earn it or deserve it! I still don't, but I've committed my life to serving Him 100%. I pray every day that He use my strengths and weakness to His glory. I am not here to live comfortably. I am here to bring honor to God in everything I do.

He has taught me to trust Him during the good times, the bad times, the sad times and the difficult times. He has given me strength on days I didn't think I could keep going. He has given me hope when I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. He has blessed my children and my marriage because I have remained faithful to His calling for me as a wife and mother. Through daily prayer and quiet times I have learned how I am to be a helper to my husband who is the head of the household. He has taught me (and I am still learning) how to be submissive and respectful to Mike because God said that is how a wife should be. God has taught me to work on and change myself and let Him do the rest. I only need to be obedient to His calling.

6 years ago I would not have been writing this. 6 years ago I would have read these very words and probably wished that I would have the family and marriage that "this woman" had. I am proud to be "that woman" writing these words today.

It hasn't been the easiest road. There have been many bumps and holes. Some so deep and so rough that it seemed impossible, but we know from Luke 1:37, when the angel was speaking to Mary, "For nothing will be impossible with God." That still holds true today!

I am so thankful that God saw fit to bless our marriage. He allowed us to be together for a purpose. I am so thankful that he took the bad and used it for good. I don't ever want to take any of this for granted. I want to savor every moment and treasure every memory.

~~~ * ~~~

Dear Mike,

Happy 5 year anniversary! As I said above, I am so thankful that you are my husband. Thank you for loving me and our family! I am blessed beyond words and I praise God that we have come this far! Thank you for your sensitivity to God's leading and the desire to see your family walk in a manner that pleases Him.

I am honored to be your wife and a mother to your children! I pray that we are blessed with many more years of love and happiness.

With all my love,
Steph

Song of Solomon 1:16a "You are so handsome, my love, pleasing beyond words..."

Heavy heart

You know when people say they have a heavy heart you nod your head in understanding? Well, sometimes I wonder what they mean by a heavy heart. What does it mean to them? What are they feeling at that moment?

I was sitting here trying to think of the right word for how I feel, and "heavy heart" came to mind. It described perfectly what I feel inside right now!

It's not worry or confusion. It's not frustration or anger. It's not sorrow or heartache. Just "heavy hearted".

I know that I am blessed beyond words to have a personal relationship with God. He has done amazing things in my life over the past 4 years. Things that I never thought would happen. At one point I knew that things needed to change, but I didn't even know how to ask God to change those things. I had the desire to change, but it just seemed so hard, and it was so easy to just be who I was. Why should I change? I like being who I am!

It was during those times of "liking who I was" that I realized I wasn't the person God wanted me to be. So I prayed. I prayed for His help because I knew that I couldn't do it on my own. I didn't really think I needed to change, but God did. Slowly He worked on my heart. He changed me.

Today I see how I respond to things and what a difference between now and 4 years ago! My goal is to please God, not myself. My goal is to honor Him in all that I do and say.

So, what's the reason for the heavy heart?

I guess it's just knowing that there are people who make excuses for doing or saying things because they want to. They may know it's wrong, but they want to do it so they will. Then they will apologize for it after. Shouldn't we be sensitive to those things before they happen? Shouldn't we be looking out for the interests of others before ourselves? Isn't that what God would want us to do?

I am finding fewer Christians who hold true to the Word of God. Now please don't think I am judging people. I am watching how they live, how they talk, how they interact with others and if I didn't know them I wouldn't think they were a Christian. Maybe I would think they are good people who go to church. I do know that there is an accountability that we are to have with each other, fellow Christians. Where does that begin and end? I'm looking for your thoughts on this one.

I've been praying for God to show me what He wants me to learn. I don't want to walk around telling people what they should or shouldn't do, but at the same time I believe I shouldn't sit quietly and say nothing. Ideas?

Today I feel that it is so important to be a clear testimony and image of Christ. If we don't reflect Him in everything we do then I think we're missing something. I'm not saying we'll be perfect...I know that I am not...I will make mistakes, but I pray that they will be fewer and fewer as I become more sensitive to God's leading.

Anyway, that's all that was on my mind tonight! I know, not exactly the light and fun stuff I usually post, but then again, I do have a serious side! *chuckle*

I'm tired now so I'm off to bed! I may read this tomorrow and take it off especially since I will have had a whole night to think about it!